Last chapter: Birthday. This chapter: Mummies?
Diago: Adventure.
Diago: Let’s get this party started.
Let me break this down for the readers. Diago rolled a wish to travel. Master overlord has been watching a ton of documentaries about Ancient Egypt. Need I explain more?
The first thing Diago wanted to do in Shang Simla is visit the *bustling* market.
Diago: Can I just have one of everything?
Merchant: Who tf is this guy?
Lady: Ohhh I can’t wait to get this kid in trouble.
Diago: What was that?
Lady: Oh nothing. Anyways, you want to go adventuring right?
Diago: That’s right. I want to go into some unexplored tombs, find some relics and then take them home with me. Maybe even sell a few irreplaceable pottery pieces on the black market.
Lady: Well that’s just sweet music to my big cooperation ears.
Diago: So I’m hired?
Lady: That’s right kid. Here are the directions to the very top secret tomb which is definitely filled with super cool stuff and make sure to bring me the big blue vase.
Diago: What are you using the vase for?
Lady: The first rule of adventuring is don’t ask questions.
Diago: Well alright then.
Diago: That woman is definitely shady.
Did you figure that out before or after she hired a minor to steal a vase for her?
Diago: Do you think I could grow this bush back home? Wait, is this base camp?
Diago: The super secret tomb is right behind base camp? And someone just *happened* to build a gate around it?
Diago: And they left the doors unlocked. How considerate.
Diago: This is cool and all, but something tells me that this place isn’t so secret.
Would that have been the metal gate, unlocked door, or pencils sitting on that table over there.
Diago: Is that a prop skeleton?
What does the sign say?
Diago: I can’t read hieroglyphs. Oh wait, the fine print says “the skeleton is real”. Oh, sure.
Diago: And I guess these coins have just been twinkling here in the floor for thousands of years?
Only as long as that prop skeleton has been hanging out.
Diago: Found it!
What?
Diago: The big blue vase, duh.
That is not the right big blue vase.
Diago: How would you know?
We’re not at the end of the pretend tomb yet.
Diago: Maybe this is just a test run. They want to make sure I’m tough enough for the job.
You are good at picking stuff up and standing in certain places. If that’s all necessary for tomb exploring, I think you’re set.
Diago: I am the best explorer everrrr!
Diago: Another skeleton.
That was the last guy she sent in to find the big blue vase.
Diago: What kind of idiot couldn’t stand on a pressure plate to open a door?
I don’t think prop skeletons can stand on their own.
Diago: It’s all coming together now.
Diago: *definitely throws out back here*
Diago: Mom was right, I need to lift more.
Rhyan: *laughs in abs*
Diago: Urgh.
What is it?
Diago: I think I’m in love.
Well I hope you’re in love with Melisa-
Diago: No not Melisa. That chest over there. It’s calling to me.
Diago: You were right, this is definitely the big blue vase.
Diago: I think this is the right house but this doesn’t look like the same lady.
Lady: Don’t worry about that kid. But if anyone asks, especially someone in a suit, I don’t live here.
Diago: Sure. Anyways, I brought your vase.
Lady: So you passed the test. I guess it’s time for you to meet my mother.
Diago: I am the best adventurer everrrrr!
Uum: Do you want your next quest or not?
Diago: I’ll be honest, I thought the next quest would be something cool. Not collecting balls of topaz in the desert.
At least it’s pretty around here.
I didn’t know there were water taxi’s in Egypt.
Diago: This guy in a suit offered me a free ride as long as I tell him where I was today.
The lase piece of topaz ended up being near Al Simahara’s version of Karnak (a temple complex near Luxor that is 4,074 years old).
Pit stop at sim-Karnak.
Is this considered glamping?
Diago: The creepy statues in the back really add to the glamping environment.
Diago: I’ve got your topaz. I hope I get to do something cool now.
Uum: Define cool.
Diago: …
Uum: You’re going to be talking to a few people about the company I work for. It’s called MorcuCorp. Before we can take the next, cool step, as you would call it, we need to know what the common people think of us.
So our heir does the laziest thing possible and asks someone who occupies the same house as Uum what they think of the company.
Diago: Now that we’re friends and you’re comfortable telling me some of the more private details of your life, what do you think about the company your mom and grandmother work for?
Ameen: MorcuCorp? I won’t lie, they kind of give me the creeps.
Uum: BOO! Scream in terror, little boy!
Ameen: Poor kid. See what I mean?
Diago: There’s something seriously wrong with this household.
After finally getting all the information needed about MorcuCorp (surprise, they’re definitely shady and everyone in town knows it) Diago went back to Uum and received his next instructions.
Diago: Don’t forget about the important information that I took my first shower of this trip.
All that time spent sweating out in the desert, sleeping in a tent, and this kid couldn’t even find the time to shower.
Diago: This is a shower! Shower in a can. The new and improved shower.
Why do laundry when you can wash your clothes and your body all at once?
Uum sent Diago to the Pyramid of the Burning Sands to find…
Diago: Hot fruit!
Flame fruit, you dip.
Diago: I just realized she didn’t give me a key like last time.
Don’t worry about it. Just knock on the door and the mummies will let you in.
Diago: Very funny.
Diago: Wait.
Diago: Seriously? That worked?
It’s probably another fake tomb.
Diago: Or maybe I’m the chosen one.
HEY! I was right about the mummies!
Diago: That is not the reason I’m here.
Fine. *Sigh*
Diago: What do you think that’s for?
Take a dip and find out.
Diago: Nothing.
Diago: Why would they build a well in a pyramid? What were they built for again?
Good question. No one knows. Just monuments, supposedly.
That’s the spirit. Just shove your hand into all of the unknown holes.
Diago: I’ll stick my hand into some holes but don’t be fooled into thinking I’m dumb enough to jump into another stupid well again.
Weird… where did that water come from? It looks like you jumped-
Diago: Shut up.
Diago: Awh man. All of that for a stupid vase? That’s it, lets go back to the mummies.
Will you feel safer with them over watching you?
Diago: I’m feeling a strong chaotic neutral energy from my mummy body guard.
Diago: With as boring as this pyramid has been so far, there better be a dead body in this thing.
And?
Diago: There’s money but no mummy. Who knew cash could be so depressing.
Diago: That’s it. As soon as I get home, I’m hitting the gym.
There are probably snakes in there.
Diago: Snakes?
That was exhilarating. Lets do it again.
Diago: I FORGOT TO STICK MY HAND INTO THIS ONE!
Pyramid of the Burning Sands? More like Pyramid of the Burning Flesh. HAH! Am I right?
Diago: …
Diago: HELP ME! I used up all of my shower in a cans! What am I going to do?
Don’t worry, the ancient Sim-gyptians gotcha covered.
Diago: So that’s what the wells are for. Just in case a mummy runs through one of their own traps on an evening stroll.
Diago: Oh man! We’re rich!
You were already rich.
Diago: Last one.
Uh… Diago?
Diago: Hold on, did I check this one? I can’t remember now.
Behind you…
Diago: Empty. Whoops. Looks like spending days in a pyramid really messes with your mental. Who would have thunk it?
Probably that guy.
Diago: Whew, what’s up with the sudden chill in there? It’s been so hot this entire time.
Diago: Might as well have a quick snack before we head out to find these fire fruits.
Mummy: Is this guy serious?
Diago: Oh sorry, didn’t see you there.
Mummy: Dare you enter my tomb and interrupt my eternal rest?
Diago: Look man, you seem pretty upset. I’m just going to take these priceless artifacts and head out-
I don’t think that’s going to happen.
Diago: Oh shit.
Diago: Think you’re tough, you stupid roll of toilet paper!
Mummy: You dare call the Pharaoh of Egypt TOILET PAPER? You shall feel the wrath of the gods for an eternity!
Diago: News flash, there hasn’t been a Pharaoh in thousands of years, you freaking washed up loser.
Mummy: You’re weak.
Diago: IM weak? Where did that puddle come from, huh? That wasn’t me buddy.
Mummy: Mummies don’t deprecate! That’s ridiculous!
Diago: Yea, as ridiculous as a 10 thousand year old guy living in the basement of an abandoned pyramid…
Diago: *crashes*
Mummy: Deprecated in the floor. Stupid mortal.
*2 hours later*
Diago: I might be concussed.
Hey stupid, no time for injury. You still have to find that fire fruit.
Diago: Oh yea. I kinda forgot what I came here for.
Diago: This is the fire fruit? This dumb little thing?
Diago: This just looks like a pomegranate. What does it do?
Uhhh, you can bake it into a cake?
Diago: Seriously?
Maybe they need the fruit to bake a cake to celebrate the safe return of their big blue vase. In any case, this isn’t enough.
Diago: So we press forward!
Diago: So… WEAK.
Diago: Don’t tell my mother.
I wouldn’t dare.
And voila! Diago didn’t have enough time to return the flame fruit to Uum before he had to go back home, so I suppose this is an adventure to be finished next time.
Diago: I can’t wait to tell dad that I decided to become a full-time adventurer and skip out on the whole ‘university’ thing.
Next time: Will our heir be alive after telling his father he has no interest in going to University and now wants to become a full-time thrill-seeker and spelunker? Find out next time on the final chapter of generation 6!
Life's Lemons 